My husband and I have been fighting infertility for 5 years now. The emotional and physical pain have at times been almost too much to bear. We have had 1 successful IUI that resulted in an ectopic pregnancy, and 3 other failed IUI’s. I have had a surgery trying to rid my body of fibroids, which then resulted in producing endometriosis. I have PCOS, messed up hormones, and an inability to lose weight no matter the strictest diets and workout regimes. I’m losing the hair on my head, and growing it in places it should not be. I am ready to be done. Either accept our childlessness, or adopt. But we had not tried the big one: IVF.
Now, please realize, I am a very strong believer in my Catholic faith. I always said (even before my infertility battle) that I would never do IVF. But when you are in the midst of the battle, you will try just about anything. Essential oils? check. Eat pineapple core? check. Acupuncture? check. Mayan abdominal massage? check. Take your temperature every morning? check. Track your cervical mucus? check.check.check. I have read every book, every recommendation. I know more about a woman’s menstrual cycle than I ever wanted to know. I still resisted IVF. It just didn’t feel right, my church says it isn’t right, and besides that, it is crazy expensive. So we talked, we saved, we spoke with our doctor, we came up with a plan. We would only fertilize those eggs that would be a used for a fresh transfer. We would not freeze any. So I wouldn’t have any actual “children” hanging out on ice. It was the answer I was looking for. God Bless my doctor for being willing to do something a bit different than their usual, just to make me feel comfortable with the process.
So here I am. 36 days into the process. 10 days into the 2ww after the embryo transfer (we had 3 viable embryo’s out of 14 eggs, and 10 fertilized eggs). Daily (sometimes multiple) shots, bruises all over my belly and backside, hormones all over the place. And now I wait. and wait. and wait.
I started out this process in a very good place mentally and spiritually. The new song by Hillary Scott, “Thy Will” has been playing on a constant repeat in my head (even before I found out she wrote it after her own miscarriage). I felt I was truly ok, no matter the outcome. As my blood test gets closer though, I realize how much I have been lying to myself. There is nothing in this world I want more than a child. I feel like I was meant to be a mother. How could God give me this feeling, this KNOWING, and then NOT give me a child? What if it didn’t work? We are not like other couples, where we can try this again and again. We could barely afford this round. Both my husband and I will be working multiple jobs for the foreseeable future to pay for it, successful or not. This is a one shot try for us. Will I have to make a $400 payment every month for the next 3 years for nothing? Will it make it harder to pay for an adoption? Did we make the wrong decision? Or will God grant us the miracle we are so hoping for? The unknown is so terrifying. So…was it worth it? I really can’t say yet.
If you could, all I would ask is this: Will you please pray for us today? Will you pray that God will grant the longing in our hearts? Will you pray that we be able to accept HIS WILL for our lives and to let go of this longing if it is not what He planned for us?